Thursday, May 14, 2015

My Response to the "21 Rules That Men Have"

Came across this “list” today. As I read, the little voices in my head replied with sass, so I thought I might as well give them a chance to be heard by people other than myself. It’s all in the name of fun folks, so don’t get your pantalones in a bunch!

*Numbered items are from "the list". See the link at the end to read the original article.

1) Men are not mind readers.
WTHN: No shit Sherlock! You aren’t great listeners either.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down. 
WTHN: Sure…as soon as your ass hits the cold, nasty toilet water in the middle of the night, we’ll definitely get to that “putting the lid down” thingy.

3) Crying is blackmail. 
WTHN: Crying is also an emotion. So is laughter, which is what I’m doing while reading your inept “man” rules.
4) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!  
WTHN: Have to say I TOTALLY agree with you on this one. However, that look of frozen shock that you men often acquire as soon as we’re honest is a bit off-putting…just sayin’.

5) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
WTHN: Just be honest….words with more than one syllable confuse you. 

6) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.  
WTHN: Keep that attitude and sympathy will also be what the hot guy next door is for….

7) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.  
WTHN: That’s fair. Does the same go for us for anything (or anyone) we did while we were in an argument or “on a break” within that time parameter?

8) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 
WTHN: Spoken like a true gentleman. Single ladies, don’t worry there’s hope for you yet with “gems” like these out there.
9) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 
WTHN: I like that approach, it keeps things simple. Same goes for us, but in regards to affection. If we give you a kiss or hug and you think it means we want to have sex, just assume the exact opposite.

10) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 
WTHN: Does this same approach apply to sex? AND have you noticed how many women are in the workforce now doing “manly” jobs or telling men how to do them? This is because we figured this out a LONG time ago….we are just humoring you. Same goes for the sex part too.

11) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.  
WTHN: Ditto! 

12) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we… 
WTHN: Directions? You actually know what those are? I’m impressed!

13) All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.  
WTHN: Most people born after 1990 don’t know what mauve is....

14) If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘Nothing’, we act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.  
WTHN: “Nothing” is what men who behave this way will most likely be getting most of their lives. Lazy much?

15) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear...
WTHN: I’m surprised you’re even able to differentiate which questions we don’t want answers to and which ones we do. Good job Sparky!

16) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really. 
WTHN: PJ’s for the Hubby's company Christmas Party it is! Lord knows I need to have my eatin’ pants on!

17) Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.  
WTHN: If you literally just made sound effects like “UHHHHHH” or the static sound an old TV makes, we’d probably never ask you again because we’d finally know what really goes on in your heads.
18) You have enough clothes.  
WTHN:Those aren’t clothes, they’re smothering devices for lazy partners.
19) You have too many shoes. 
WTHN: Shoes can also be used as a weapon….

20) I am in shape, round is a shape!  
WTHN: Which makes it that much easier to roll your ass down a steep hill.

Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight… but did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping… 
WTHN: Couch, smouch. You’re out in the garage with the dog tonight! P.S. This is the color MAUVE. You're welcome.


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